A Houseguest Reminds Me…
For the last two months, I’ve had a house guest. He just got a new job in the area and was looking for an apartment. I offered up my spare bedroom as a place for him to crash while he looked for an apartment, got some stuff he’d need for the place and generally sorted things out.
It’s been nice having somebody in my usually empty house. It’s been years since I’ve lived with anybody. When I was in an apartment, I liked knowing other people were near. I liked hearing the other people moving around, living. When I moved into my house, I had to adjust to the silence.
My friend got an apartment and moved out this weekend. I’m happy for him. His commute from my house to his job was about 40 minutes, each way! However, I’m re-acclimating myself to the silent home, to the loss of casual conversations that happen when you are both in the same space.
(“Hey, did you know you have opossum in your back yard?”)
(“Really? Then I don’t have rats, after all!”)
Alone or Lonely?
Over the weekend, I had dinner with a friend who pointed out that there are two states we inhabit when other people aren’t around: we can be lonely or we can live in solitude. When we are lonely, we lack something and look to other people to provide it. When in solitude, we are able to find peace within ourselves. In the first case, we lack an inner dialogue or insight that allows us to be happy. In the second, we have found it.
This struck a chord with me. After I was divorced a few years ago, I lived in a place where I didn’t hear or see my neighbors, I wasn’t near friends or family and didn’t have much direct contact with many people outside of work. I learned that there were times where I was content with this state. I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. At other times, I was lonely and that loneliness was consuming and draining.
Solitude
I like the term solitude. There is something in the term that implies an ability to be satisfied despite being alone. There’s a Francis Bacon quote that says: “The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.”
I don’t completely agree with my friend’s suggestion that loneliness is only about self-awareness. Nor do I agree with Bacon’s quote.
To me, the worst solitude is to be without hope. That’s where the loneliness begins. When the hope of finding another person fades, when the hope of connecting to the world or being recognized as a being…at that point, the benefits of solitude are overwhelmed by sorrow and distraction.
Now that I’m alone in my home, again, I’ll have a bit more solitude in my life. It is not unwelcome. I’ll have a little more time to hear myself. At the same time, I know that I can walk out my front door to visit my friends, see my family or just go to the corner to walk into one places in my neighborhood that are full of people.
You don’t have to be lonely even though you are alone.
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Wonderful post – I’ve struggled with the tensions between lonely/solitary my entire life (only child of eccentric parents). About a year ago, I came to the realization that my deepest, darkest lonely moments came when I felt, as you stated, “unrecognized as a being.” I had no real witnesses to my life – which felt wrong.
I resolved it by increasing my affiliations and reaching out to more people to form meaningful friendships.
I still feel that I need time to myself in my home – alone. But I need to watch out that I don’t hole up and ignore the outside world completely – it’s easy to do since my formative years were largely spent daydreaming and playing by myself – it’s an easy habit to fall back into…
and p.s. – seriously, who says “opossum” anymore? isn’t the “o” somewhat vestigial…?
Wow this is EXACTLY what I am going through right now. I am feeling so lonely but I am striving to go to the solitude area. Each day it’s getting easier but there is something about feeling lonely. It haunts my soul. It is so weird I am talking about this topic. I never thought I would be that guy. Maybe life has something in store for me.
I guess the weather plays a huge role in the solitude/loneliness ratio. My solitude/loneliness ratio is definitely a lot higher now than what it was in winter.
The people who hanker after solitude the most are people who are extremely passionate about something or are creating something for example a musician composing a great work , a monk in search of nirvana or an author writing a book, but for a great majority of us we seldom are so passionate about something and need company at least at intervals.